Is Your Ego Holding You Back?
A deep dive into the lesser known ego
How big is your ego? Whether you like to admit it or not, you do have an ego.
In fact, you wouldn’t be human without it.
Your ego is the part of your psyche that helps you define yourself and who you are; it gives you your sense of identity.
It stems from the Greek word for ‘I’, which means your ‘sense of self’.
So, having an ego is undeniably a good thing.
It helps you believe in yourself and stay confident. And when your psyche needs defending, it protects you and prevents you from getting hurt.
A healthy ego is often linked with inner confidence and an appreciation of your value. Someone with a healthy ego operates from a balanced, here-and-now perspective, conscious of times when you under- or over-react. At work, if you have a healthy ego, you’re able to weigh up your performance, accept your success, have pride in your achievements, and understand where you need to develop.
The thing is, that when you hear the word ‘ego’ the chances are you’d think of leaders who are over-inflated; arrogant and self-absorbed.
But in the same way that being underweight or overweight can be damaging to your health, an unhealthy ego might also be too small.
If we map the ego on a spectrum it might look like this:
Surprisingly, the small ego can be as troublesome as the big ego. In fact, part of a psychotherapist's work is to help clients strengthen their ego, build self-confidence and feel secure in their sense of self.
“When your ego needs strengthening, it can hold you back, make you feel like an imposter, and make you question whether you're good enough,” says Patty Middleton, a UK-based UKCP psychotherapist.
In leadership when your ego is protecting you, it stops you from tackling your next challenge with confidence.
And when exploring a step up or a step out, it might convince you that you’re not good enough, or that the safety of unfulfilling but consistent work is preferable to the discomfort of starting something new.
“The sunk cost fallacy adds to the ego’s argument, and it can mean you stay where you are comfortable and safe, because of the time you have already invested. Which merely re-enforces the negative impacts on our egos or sense of Self”
It makes me think of the ego as a secret internal mastermind, forever in the background making decisions, with a mandate to protect you from harm at whatever cost.
The way to give your ego a health kick, Patty shares, is curiosity. Really starting to get to know yourself and reflect on your patterns.
So much of your sense of self is shaped by your experiences during your life she says; your early relationships and the way your character has developed from childhood. Giving yourself time and space, you can consider similarities in the relationship with your parents/caregivers for example, and how those correspond to your patterns today.
“When you can start to recognise those influences and decide what to hold on to or what to let go of, you then get to the exciting point, who am I really, who do I want to be and what can I do to be that person?”
You can find a short exercise to help you reflect on who you really are, right here.
And when you find yourself stalling, and your ego holding you back, just ask yourself:
Is your ego really bigger than you, or are you bigger than your ego?
A big thank you to Patty Middleton for her expertise and contribution to this piece. You can reach her at: www.pattymiddletontherapy.co.uk
Last Weeks Issue: Getting Passionate - Is Passion A Prerequisite For Happiness At Work?
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